Divorcing the Narcissist
is categorized as a personality disorder by the mental
health profession (Narcissistic Personality Disorder – NPD).
there are very few individuals who are formally diagnosed with NPD,
few, if any, actually seek out therapy.
with a narcissist during a marriage can be a challenging endeavor;
dealing with a narcissist during a divorce can be almost impossible. The
narcissist will often look to manipulate
partners, ultimately to control them.
Projection and blame are often key elements to
finds the courage to divorce a narcissist, the sense of control loss
can lead them
to become verbally abusive and sometimes even physical.
They will often become enraged when faced
with a partner who has found self power. The narcissist feels
the need to
punish their partner for their sense of control loss and will feel
their actions. This
can lead to an escalation
of their methods of control and abuse. The lies will be bolder and he
will try to manipulate with more intensity. There is a severe
regain power and control and they will go to any means in their quest. It is not uncommon for the
narcissist to deplete
all assets to pay attorneys to continue the battle.
spouse will give into requests or negotiations, in hopes that the
will be satisfied and they can possible move forward in the divorce
narcissist will just move onto the next item or issue which they feel
to the punishment.
with a narcissist, don’t expect empathy, they are physically not
capable. Don’t base
your own self esteem on what is
said or the opinions expressed by your partner.
Don’t take on all the blame yourself, the
narcissist projects blame onto
that a narcissist is
really an emotionally scarred individual unable to let others in or
have any faults.
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Top 5 Things to
Do If Divorce is
Make Copies of Everything - You need to make
all financial documents before the divorce begins. It is much more
difficult and costly to obtain these documents through discovery
procedures at a later date. Here is a list of the documents you will
a) Tax returns for the last three to five years
b) Bank statements - online statement s will do as well
c) Check registers
d) Investment statements
e) Retirement account statements
f) Employee benefits handbooks
g) Life insurance policies
h) Mortgage documents
i) Credit card statements
k) Social Security statements
l) Automobile titles
m) If your spouse is self-employed, it is important to gather as much
information as possible about the finances of the business.
n) Financial data stored on your home computer
Research and Interview Family Law Attorneys -
family law attorneys and retain the one that best fits your needs and
Inventory All Family Assets - I strongly suggest
a video camera and making a video inventory of all assets. This not
only documents each item, but it also is a visual archive of the
current condition of all items. This can also be used when assessing
the value of all items. At the very least, make an exhausted written
inventory. Do this before you leave the house. Once you leave the home,
you will need to spend money to obtain the court's permission to
re-enter and your spouse can remove or hide items easily.
Know your Household Budget - Document the monthly
for utilities, food, entertainment, etc. Go through check registers,
utility bills, etc. This can help when setting alimony and temporary
Know What Your Spouse Makes - Understand exactly
your spouse earns. Also identify any earning potential (upcoming
promotion, graduating school or higher education, bonuses, etc. If your
spouse has a business partner, you may be able to learn how the
partners are paid during a casual conversation with the partner. If
your spouse is self-employed or gets paid in cash, keep track of the
money flowing in for several months.
Is Your Spouse
Hiding Money During Your Divorce?
Hiding money (assets)
during a divorce
is illegal and unethical. Never the less it's more common than you
think. Both men and woman alike have and continue these tactics daily.
I am in no way advocating hiding assets. I am simply documenting facts
to help educate and protect.
By hiding money your spouse may be trying to lower
support and alimony payments. You and your attorney must look to
uncover any hidden moneys and to prove the actual amount of money that
your spouse has available.
I've listed five items below to give you a
point for finding hidden income and assets.
1) Your spouse may defer a part of his salary
after the divorce. Look for letters, notes, or emails asking to defer
income. Look at past history of your spouses earnings. If he/she is
normally receives $50,000 per year in commissions and suddenly not
receiving any money or a dramatic drop. Advise your attorney.
2) Some spouses receive bonuses in addition to
pay. Look for deals where partial bonuses are paid and the other
portion is put into a separate account accruing to the benefit of the
employee. Bonuses can be deferred for future distribution. Look for a
pattern of bonus payments in the past.
3) If your partner is suddenly, chronically short
cash, or if their weekly ATM withdrawal doubles, that could be a sign.
Many stores now let you get cash back when using your debit card for
purchases. Your spouse can be adding $20, $40, or more to ever
purchase. Check receipts.
4) Does the mail come to your home? If not, that
be a red flag that your spouse doesn't want you to see certain incoming
5) Any changes in the way family finances are
Did that joint savings account suddenly disappear? Was there a piece of
a stock sold or got rolled over into something else?
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Divorce - Court
When it comes to the Court
will find this to be a pretty place. Once the divorce proceedings
begin, the outcome of your divorce is in the hands of a total stranger
- the Judge.
You no longer have control. All decisions will now
made by a stranger. Of course this stranger may be having a bad day,
not feeling well, or even have had a major fight with their spouse the
night before. I know it's scary and may even seem unfair, but this is
the real world and it happens all the time. This judge is now in
control of the outcome of your trial.
Here are a few tips to help prepare you for the
1. First, I strongly recommend you try to settle
many issues as possible before entering the Court Room. This means the
judge won't be in control of everything.
2. Do not expect the Judge will always make decisions in your favor.
There are three directions the judge can go when making a decision:
Your way, your spouse's way, or the Judge's way. As you can see, two
out three are not in your favor.
3. Discuss how you should act, and when to speak with you attorney
before going into the courtroom. Do not speak unless asked to do so by
4. When addressing the Judge with respect by addressing him/her as
5. Never speak to or make comments to your spouse when you are before
6. Leave all hostile and negative emotions at the door. Do not make
faces or gestures when the judge or your spouse's attorney is speaking.
Judges see this and do not appreciate it.
7. Dress for success. Your attorney will have a certain strategy on how
he/she wants you to be portrayed. Therefore, consult your attorney on
how he/she wants you to dress.
8. Take notes. Don't leave anything to chance. Your attorney will be
very busy during the process and cannot remember or write everything
9. Be prepared and stay organized. Bring as much information,
documentation and any pertinent documents that you possibly can with
you. It is better to have too much ammunition than not enough.
10. Be prepared to be in the court house for some time. You will
sometimes wait for hours before your case is called.
Dividing Up the Money
Probably one of the
toughest parts to
any divorce is the emotional trap that revolves around money. Depending
on your situation, you may have to part with a hefty chunk of your
savings, investments, retirement fund, and pension.
For the most part, martial assets will be divided
equally by the courts. The key word here was 'marital'. That means any
funds that you have put into a joint account become marital. If you
make $100,000 a year and your spouse does not work, the money you put
into a joint account becomes both of yours. It gets divided equally.
Doesn't sound fair, does it? The same holds true for your 401K plan. In
my case, I had one, she did not. Now she's got half of mine.
I urge you to remember the fact that it's only
We've all heard the old proverb that 'money makes people do crazy
things'. Here's crazy for you, how about paying your attorney thousands
of dollars to fight your spouse for the same amount. Many people get
wrapped up in the money and forget to think straight. Chances are you
will be required to divide your assets equally, so don't waste any more
money fighting over things that will be out of your control anyway.
Also remember the longer it takes to finalize your divorce, the more
money you need to pay your attorney. My divorce went for over five
years and over thirty-two thousand dollars to my attorney. I'm guessing
my ex paid her attorney close to the same. Think about that, we could
have put our daughter through college with the money wasted on attorney
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Divorce and Alimony Formula
In divorce, a common
question is, "what is the alimony formula". Well, there
no set alimony formula for divorce. This is in complete
to child support, which is decided based upon a specific formula in
each state. Alimony is based on factors and those factors are
decided through divorce negotiation or by a divorce judge. But, there
is no alimony formula available to your divorce attorney or you to
determine in advance what alimony will be paid in your case.
does a divorce court look at to determine alimony? Those
do vary by state. But, there are also many alimony factors
are common from state to state. So, although there is no
alimony formula for you to rely on, there are alimony factors that you
can look at to help you determine what the alimony might be in your
In divorce, some of the alimony factors that a judge
might look at include the following. First is the length of
marriage. If the parties have been married for one year, the
court's attitude towards a request for alimony will be very different
than if the parties have been married for twenty years.
the length of marriage varies so much in all divorces, it is not
possible to plug this factor into an alimony forumla to determine the
Another factor affecting the award of alimony is
employment status. Obviously, if the spouse seeking alimony
been unemployed or underemployed for a number of years to care for
young children, the home, or the spouse, that is a factor that will
militate in that spouse's favor if he or she is seeking
On the other hand, if that spouse has the ability to obtain employment
that will more than adequately meet his or her needs, the court might
think a little differently about awarding alimony to that
Other factors that are considered closely with this factor include
level of education, job experience, the age of children in the
household, and work history.
A major factor that can affect an
award of alimony is the amount of property to be retained or divided by
the parties. If the spouse seeking alimony has been a stay at
home parent, but will have signifcant assets after divorce or has
separate assets, like a trust fund, the court's attitude towards the
award of alimony will be affected. The court will certainly
a request for alimony under these circumstances much different than a
request made by an individual who is receiving no assets in the divorce
or who does not have any separate property.
The health of the
party seeking alimony is a major factor that can impact a court's
decision in awarding alimony. If the spouse seeking alimony
debilitating physical condition that impacts whether or how much they
can work, the court will not want to impoverish that party after
divorce and the court will be more likely to use alimony to address at
least basic living needs.
One other factor that should
be considered by the divorce court and by the parties, is the
taxability of the alimony payments. In most instances, if
is no specific provision to the contrary, spousal support payments are
taxable to the recipient and tax deductible to the payor. The
benefit obtained by spreading out economic wealth in this fashion can
be significant and should be discussed in depth with your divorce
One issue that is not always considered by the court,
but should be discussed with your divorce attorney, is that alimony
payments are, in general, not dischargeable in bankruptcy. If
there is any possibility that the party who is to pay alimony will be
filing for bankruptcy, the divorce attorneys will negotiate very hard
on both sides to maximize the final benefit to their client in
It should thus be apparent that in divorce,
there can be no easy alimony forumla, no matter what state you live
in. It is impossible to plug these and other factors into a
mathematical equation to arrive at a "correct" alimony
It is necessary that the divorce court, or the divorce attorneys review
how these varied and different factors affect both parties in the
divorce and then arrive at a solution that encompasses all of the
divorce issues, including property settlement and alimony.
cannot simply set up an alimony formula that would work for all parties.
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Divorce - Are You Feeling Cheated?
Are you feeling relieved
after divorce or cheated? After many divorces people feel happy while
in many rather more cases they feel cheated. Why? Divorce it self is a
very painful process and the times that lead to divorce are more
painful. The question is why get the sense of feeling cheated after
getting divorce? Let us talk about this.
giving - People give a lot to their marriage; most of them do it except
few. Right from the development of relationship, a lot of time,
emotional energy and physical resources are given to make it work.
During marriage the investment goes higher. Most of the partners want
the marriage to work. There are exceptions that unbelievably want to
destroy because of psychological problems. When cracks develop in the
marriage, lot more effort is made to save the marriage and when the
marriage breaks after putting in so much effort, one feels cheated.
this true for all? This is not true for all. There are few individuals
who don't give anything in marriage. They ask for it. The demand and
contribute nothing. That is the game of selfishness played by them. So
these people will never feel cheated. They will only feel bad that they
lost an easy victim.
What should you do? The only way out is to
forget the losses. Try to erase the past as much as possible. This will
be difficult, but break the pain bit by bit. Work on it and it will go
away one day. Try to forge another relationship and forget what went
wrong. Cut your losses as soon as possible.
Can one spouse prevent a divorce from happening?
person does not want to get a divorce, but one party in the
relationship does and it is a no fault divorce, then the spouse cannot
stop the divorce. This is called an irreconcilable difference
is a justification for divorce.
A spouse can prevent a
fault divorce by convincing the court that he or she is not at
fault. This is something that they would have to prove and it
up to the judge to decide. There are other additional ways to
defend a divorce from happening may also be a choice for some
If a person who condones that a spouse is having
affair files for a divorce, the spouse may contest the fault divorce by
arguing that the spouse knew of the affair and condoned the
action. This is one way for a person to defend himself or
Connivance is the setting up of a situation so
other person commits something to jeopardize the marriage.
type of situation to explain is if a women sets up her husband in
situation where he is alone with his mistress. This is known
set up and it is an argument that one can make in court to defend their
Provocation is the inciting of a spouse to do a
certain act. If a spouse is suing for divorce and claims that
other spouse abandoned them, the other spouse might defend their suit
because they were provoked by the abandonment. Collusion is
couple lives in a state where no fault divorce requires that the couple
separate for a time and the couple doe not want to prolong the
situation. This may lead the couple to mislead the court and
pretend that one of them was at fault just to get out of the
These above defenses are not usually used for a
few different reasons. Proving a defense may require
and involve a lot of time and expense. Your efforts
usually bring nothing to the situation. Chances are that a
will eventually grant the divorce. A person should not have
stay married if they do not wish too. The law is designed to
people the opportunity to get out of the marriage if that is what he or
she really wants to do. If you are involved in a marriage
you don't want to be in any longer, the process can be hard to get
through, but you can make a divorce really happen, and put an end to
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Divorce Lawyer: Key to Divorce
refers to the dissolution or the legal end of a marriage. Every state
has its own legal requirements governing when a divorce may be granted.
These legal requirements may include a residency requirement, grounds
or a reason for the divorce, among others.
The grounds for
divorce may vary from being fault-based and no-fault based. All these
requirements vary from state to state. Certain exceptions like
‘Irreconcilable Differences’ and ‘Irretrievable Breakdown’ are common
no-fault grounds for divorce in almost all states. Your divorce could
be the most important financial decision in life, as well as one of the
most nerve wrecking. In such a circumstance, the key person who can see
you through this is a divorce lawyer.
The divorce lawyer helps
you in making extremely important financial and emotional decisions
like child custody, property divisions etc. You must choose a lawyer
well versed and specializing in Family Law.
You can look for a
good lawyer by asking around, consulting your friends, relatives and
acquaintances. A divorce lawyer with references will be more helpful
than the one who is completely unknown to you and all people around.
you first meet the lawyer, give all case facts. The fee quoted by the
person will be a rough approximate as the amount of legal work involved
is not very clear. Usually, they charge by the hour, and a retainer fee
as an advance payment may be desired by the lawyer. You are at liberty
to interview a few lawyers before choosing one to represent you in
To be on the safe side, it's a good idea to enquire from the lawyers
the following facts:
• The relevant experience he/she has in Family Law and number of years
of practice in this field.
• Steps involved in the divorce process as well as expected time frame
and legalities involved.
• Filing fee and the fee that any additional legal assistants employed
will ask for.
• Inquire about the Retainer Agreement policy of the lawyer/firm.
• Billing cycle of the lawyer.
good lawyer will answer all queries, and will try to address any
concerns that you may have about legal implications or your case in
A good divorce lawyer:
• Will always be prepared for all your hearings.
• Will know exactly what your expectation from the case is.
• Will not be able to win all hearings.
• May not be able to answer your calls 24*7*365.
you and your spouse start the proceedings, do not sign any paper for
your partner without express knowledge of your divorce lawyer.
Litigations and negotiations are little subjective so ask your lawyer
about his/her policy in this matter.
A good divorce lawyer is
invaluable to your case, so you should choose one carefully. Also, once
your case starts, do not change lawyers unless it is absolutely
necessary as this may also harm your case. In case you are looking to
change divorce lawyers, make sure that you get all information from the
previous divorce lawyer such as who is the judge, necessary papers etc,
so a smooth transition is possible. Once you place your trust in a
lawyer, do it completely and assist him/her. After all, it is your own
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